How do we go from here?

Do we really love each other?
If we do then why don’t we listen to each other?
Why do we lie to each other?
Why do we hurt each other?
Why do we expect that we’ll be respected even when it’s not reciprocated?
Why do we curse on each other?
Why do we leave each other when we need each other the most?
Why do we belittle each other?
Why do we do things that hurt each other the most verbally, mentally and physically?
If we love each other, why can’t we keep our promises?
We’re not happy anymore.
We’re not okay anymore.
We can’t discuss it entirely in a way that we’re both calm and collective.
We need time apart but we don’t stop seeing each other.
Or do we need time apart or do we heal together?
If we heal together, why can’t we discuss the things that hurt us?
Why can’t we rely on each others back?
We’re both part of the process on how the relationship failed.
Why can’t we both have the courage and understanding to fix it together?
Why not clarify things and be transparent with where this relationship is going?
Is this love or just attachment?

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Sapphire

(Original draft: April 13, 2016 at 10:10 AM)

“She’s leaving,” I finally said to myself, one gloomy night as she and her boyfriend went to the rooftop for some mist.

“Maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much. I’ve been used to her far away for years.”

“It wouldn’t make any difference. I wouldn’t cry. It’s all gonna be easy. She’s just going back home.” Trying to convince myself as I look around the place we’ve lived in for the past three months while constantly recalling our other adventures and mishaps.

Day in, day out it was us trying to do “adulting stuff” and proving we can manage ourselves. Living with her was constant joy with some occurrences of annoyance from time to time, and I know for sure the feeling is mutual.

It was her sitting in the front row seat as she watched me pick myself up on one of the toughest times in my life yet. By some twist of faith, we¬†made a way to be together again even longer than what we’ve both expected. At times, we’ll have these random conversations of how bizarre and drastic… (Continuation: February 7, 2018 at 8:37 PM)

How bizarre and drastic that from 2016 fast forward to 2018, you’ve managed to come back and forth from Denmark to Philippines to keep the love alive with Gio. And each time you fly back to Denmark, the feeling’s still the same. I become sad that one of the few people that I trust here on Earth is thousand miles apart from me. We both don’t actually know how it came to be or what sort of magical catastrophe led us to being best friends but I sure am such a lucky girl to have you in my life (including all your good and bad days, may you be evil or caring towards me haha).

I am (beyond words) so happy for you and Gio.

We don’t know what the future holds but I am ecstatic that someone took up all his courage to ask you to make a future with him. I’ll be “always” here through thick and thin.

I love you wifey.

I love you both.

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June 9, 2017 Draft

I keep questioning myself on what does it really entail to love? I think too much and I feel too much. I love to love but I love differently. There’s my relationship with my family that I really value but tend to keep a safe distance. There’s love for my friends whom I treat as my family too. There’s love for my partner whom I really want to settle down with. And then there’s love for myself which throughout time I’ve learned to value more than anything. [January 29, 2018 continuation] A constant battle with finding my self worth and then almost always, losing it.

How can something work if there’s no more respect? If you can’t feel the commitment? If words were just merely said to get you back but never to make you stay? How your partner handles a fight says so much about how they respect and value you and the relationship. Nothing’s ever really broken until someone says there’s no more solution for them. That’s when you get out because you’ll only exhaust yourself in trying to make a future happen with someone who’s already checked out along the way.

Now I keep wondering if there was really a progress at all…