If Only

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I’m torn.

Perpetually torn.

It’s one of those moments that I’ve been into before.

Your head says no but your hearts says yes.

You listen to your heart and the same ending hits you up.

 

I want to let her go and leave.

It’s killing me but I don’t like what I’m becoming.

It’s been a hard push and pull for me.

 

Regardless, it’s hard to believe her now.

Every word that she says is just a blur in my mind.

I can’t conceive that it’s something worth holding onto.

She’s wasted all the chances before without any regrets and

only shows regret now because I knew what was up with her.

She wouldn’t have admitted it anyway.

 

I want to believe that she’ll be better but she’s wasted all of those already,

What makes it so different now?

 

She’s already broken her words too many times.

What makes it worthy now?

 

In the end if she does it again,

If something happens,

I’ve got no one to blame but myself

For believing there was more to it.

Words can easily be said but action and dedication is way harder to execute.

 

It’s only within ourselves that we can improve,

No matter what I do or how hard I try (which I already did)

It won’t matter if she’s not committed to change.

I’ve always wondered why bad things happen to good people.

Or at least why people treat you bad when you treat them good?

Did I really deserve all those months and that incident to happen

Before she realizes my worth in her life?

Why didn’t she just focused on being better and proving her worth to me, too?

 

All I hear is

this is what I can do, this is what I can admit, this is it, I’m playing it safe, I’ll change if you guarantee you’ll stay, what do you want because I can’t think of what to do or maybe I’ll send this and ask my friends, just lead me into it because it’s my fault so how should I know the right thing to do, I won’t talk and I can’t initiate the talk, you ask what you want,  I can’t answer that, I’ll only answer this, do you want guarantee, that was me before, this is all I can do take it or leave it

 

Why the fuck do I still feel that I am the one adjusting?

If she really wants to fix this she’ll find
a way.

She’ll work for it.

She’ll yearn for it.

But I don’t see that.

I don’t feel it.

In all those months, she should’ve known and stopped fucking herself over with her past despite everything that I’ve conquered for her. I should’ve realized earlier on that it was only her who can change or let those go if she really wanted too and if I was really important… but I wasn’t. Not until it’s always too late.

 

So many questions and it fucks me over a thousand times each day.

I need to getaway.

I need a break.

I need something new.

I’m too stressed.

I’m too tired to handle crap and inconsistency.

I want to be happy again.

I want the pain to go away.

I need someone who’ll know my worth just by knowing me and not over their mistakes, issues/baggage they couldn’t let go. It’s like saying it’s a permission to mess up because I’ve still got baggage from the past even though you’ve shown me you’re different.

Cash me ousside howbow dah

This is too much self.

Put yourself first and let it go.

If it’s really worth it, it’ll find a way.

If not then it isn’t.

At least you know it wasn’t your shortcomings.

You’ve tried harder than you should’ve.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

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