Today, something wonderful had started in my life over a very disastrous unforeseen and unexpected weekend. I can’t express how pretty much everything has been fucked up all because of me and by that I mean literally big-time-fuck-up.
I function today with a heavy heart, trying to block off my subconscious mind creeping in as I face my daily tasks. But it won, because I am here writing down my thoughts, needing to let it all out.
I found my self at the roof deck of our condo, sitting over the edge of the tall beige walls, looking over the buildings and small houses on a serene Monday noon. It was very windy, the skies were blue and the clouds were beautiful yet I chugged out the vodka straight from the bottle on an empty stomach for two straight days. By the third big gulp, I was crying my heart out.
I was looking at the birds freely flying, swirling in the air. Looking at the cars, continuously moving to reach its destination. I was praying and asking for answers. I was evaluating my life choices, my life and my breakdown.
For so long I thought that If I became good, became calm, forgiving and understanding that things would always go my way. I expected it to go my way but that’s just plain stupid. A fucked up idea I planted in my mind and expected people to do me a favor just because I did the same to them. Once things started going on a hay wire, I blasted the hell out of my emotions as If I had the direct hit… but I didn’t. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t involved. I destroyed a fucking group like annihilating an entire race just because I’m dumb as fuck selfish.
Nevertheless, one of the good things I’ve learned is that time heals all wounds. They may never forget it but everyone forgives and moves on. Whether or not they want me back in their lives is entirely their decision and will have my utmost respect. I would have exactly done the same if it happened to me. I am healing just as they are for now. And whatever happens, I know it’s worth the wait whatever the outcome is.