Her.

You lost her.

 

It’s hard to endure lost especially if you know you were the one full of regrets and she’s very fine without you.

 

You can’t function.

You are on auto-pilot.

You can’t eat.

You do things half-heartedly…

 

You try to act normal but a lot of times you just want to stop choking on that lump on your throat, that heavy feeling in your chest and just be done with it.

 

But honestly you can’t. You can’t do that in a snap.

 

No matter how many shots of liquor you take or parties you go to, movies you see in one day, food trip or road trip or whatever trip you may… you just can’t escape it. The truth is you can only endure heartbreak.

 

Because even after all those diversions, by the time that you are alone again… it’ll come back as a rush and more potent than the last time.

 

You wake up each day feeling empty and disconnected to the world.

You start to do the things you used to do together with your lonesome self.

You hate the habits you’ve developed over the course that you two were together – the texts, emails, calls asking how you’ve been or just sweet nothings.

You hate the fact that you still check it every time and the outcome has been the same – Nothing from her.

 

And it breaks your heart that you don’t have to go home soonest because someone is waiting to have dinner with you or spend the night.

 

You see things, scenarios and activities you know she would’ve laughed at, be interested in and wanted to try but you shut your mouth and let it go.

 

No one will ever actually know how you feel no matter how you say the story to your family/friends because fact of the matter is, the only two people in the world who really has an idea of what you’re going through is that other person whom you’ve lost or left you.

It is because no love is ever the same.

They can only do so much but listen and stay when you need someone to be with. Frankly, it is only you and her who knows every detail and every tiny bit of your relationship, just like other people with their partners. That’s how unique it is… that’s why it hurts to let go.

Family/friends will always be rational and you won’t be.

That’s why you need them because they are outside of the now-dying-world that both of you created – either both of  you are still in there or your partner has already left, eventually you have to start that engine and get out of it by your own initiative.

 

It can be really hard because you experienced it. You felt. You consummated what was once bliss is now an empty vast space…

 

You try to think of the “what if’s” and “if only’s” but those won’t do any good. You try so hard to elaborate your own reality that it can be fixed and still reach out to your previous partner but the truth is you are just making it worst for yourself.

 

Anything you do from the day both of you have separated will only turn out as a desperate and psychotic move.

 

You have to do things in God’s will. Seek Him before anything else.

Make it in God’s time.

 

Time can only heal it. I realized that now.

 

You will always love that person no matter what. They will always have that special space in your heart though it’s not as big as it was before. A love that’s true will always remain.

 

So yes, the struggle is real. And you have to endure it for your family, your friends, for your previous partner (Yes, because no matter what has been said and done they will still want the best for you) but most importantly you have to do it for yourself… you have to understand that the NOW you’re into will soon be a memory and every day that you waste your time doing nonsensical things, the more you won’t be able to leave that desolate point.

 

You hope for the best and be strong.

Be the person that your previous partner loved only better this time.

A version 2.0 or whatever version you are at now!

Do not hope for reconciliation or chances but hope both of you finds the right person to be happy with… and that’s not losing her… it is letting her go.

-A note to myself-

 

mariel

 

 

Goodbye my Souris.
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